How addictive is sugar?

Living by a bakery but not eating donuts and danishes anymore makes it foreign to your body. I bought some, and It didn’t taste like a treat anymore. It felt like a drug. It was a quick dopamine high and rush. I saw how addictive sugar is. I will be honest and transparent about how I feel, too. I was intentional about my subtitle. When I bought and are my donuts and danishes I was sexually aroused while eating it. I’m not trying to be weird or metaphorical. I thought, what in the hell did I tap into?

I’ve never had a sugar rush quite like this. I had an apple Danish, chocolate, and regular honey dip donut. When I am one, I devour the next. I couldn’t even control myself. I didn’t like that feeling. It was a high that felt unnatural. I know what natural euphoria feels like, so there are no blurred lines or grey areas. I wonder if it is because I don’t consume sugar on that level anymore that my body saw it as an overload or something foreign. Maybe someone in the comments can make some sense out of my sugar overdose. It's best not to go back when you cut back or give something up. Sometimes, you must see how powerful something is to leave it alone for good.

What are your favorite pastries?

Is there a dessert you had to give up because it’s addictive?

What do you think about sugar?

 I lost five small paragraphs this next session because I didn't save them as I went. That's very frustrating, but I know my story so that I will try again. Maybe it wasn't meant to be because it was some raw and real content I wrote. Perhaps it wasn't for this audience.  So, here we go to the second attempt at the second part of this writing. Bakery Sugar High was the untouched original, but I went deeper into the concept of addiction.

One Drug Feeds Another

Feening for my loving got you coming back for more

Knocking on my door, Knocking on my door

The Chase

-Poet of Pain-

That quote was from the second verse of a song I created called The Chase. The Chase was an ambiguous story about addiction, and the drug was the entity personified. Just think about what your vice of choice is. What has a hold on you? The first thing we think about is alcohol, cocaine, pills, or heroin, but think about how many other things have our minds hooked these days. Gaming, coffee, cigarettes, gambling, money, gossip, social media, food, sex, and porn, and the list goes on and on.

My encounter with those sugary treats of my local bakery was a different experience from the time I spoke of it. The dopamine experience was so good and intoxicating that it tapped into primal sexual urges. I bought four pastries, and I remember when I ate one, I had no self-control because I kept eating them until all four were gone in a short time . It was gluttony and greed. That's how much power they had over them. Ok, I'm going down a similar dark path to what I wrote that was released, so I guess this isn't going to be different from the original. I once had an addiction that I  also could not control. This addiction was to a woman I had a very toxic relationship with on and off for seven years.

I did not realize until now that our relationship also had a predatory vibration. I was too blinded by lust, love, attraction, and infatuation to see that I was a target. I was 25 years old, and the woman I was seeing was 35 at the time. I still had an innocence because I was a late starter and hadn't really experienced the harshness of the Baltimore streets. I was more aware of crime, violence, and selling drugs because, as a kid, I was presented with illegal opportunities to be a street pharmacist, and I turned them down and went back to being a kid with a vivid imagination.

No one would prepare me for the abyss I was about to enter on the cusp of the new millennium. I was working at a senior nursing home in the housekeeping department. This woman stepped off the elevator, and I remember her locking eyes with me. I never had a woman look at me like that. It wasn't a friendly co-worker look, either. Knowing what I know now, it was a I want you, and I  WILL get you to look in her eyes. She was the predator, and I was the prey. Maybe she saw the innocence in my eyes, and that's why I failed to see the evil in hers.

So we exchanged numbers, and she started coming over. It was the great start of how any relationship begins: excitement and physical attraction. Our physical chemistry was strong, so it was hard not to want to see each other often. The "Love" was passionate, intense, and pleasing, so I wasn’t ready for what would come next. Once we started seeing each other regularly, it became transactional. She started asking me for money, and eventually, it got to a point where every time I saw her, she asked for money, and I normalized her asking for money.

See, what I didn't realize at the time was that this woman was what you called a functioning addict. She worked a full-time job and lived this double life. She didn't look like an individual that was strung out on drugs. I knew nothing about drug addicts, so that was how she was able to use and manipulate me. The more we had sex and I gave her money, the deeper down the chasm I descended into. Her habit was draining her check, so It was taking away from her bill money. Therefore, this spilled over to my check and my bill money.

It became awful. It was so bad that I started being late and short on my rent, and I had to ask my Mother and stepfather for money. It was so embarrassing because they thought that I myself was on drugs. Well, I was. She and I were together one day at one of my lowest and most revelatory moments. She had become so comfortable with doing drugs she started doing it around me. I would take her and her brother to buy them. One evening, I was at her apartment just watching her do what she did, and she said something to me that was chilling. She said, “ This is my drug, and I am yours.” I agreed with her. I couldn't disagree with her because it was the truth.

I almost was evicted from my place many times, adopted the bad habit of paying bills late, and always got arrested because she threw a remote at me, and I hurled it back; she keyed my car, cracked my windshield with a big rock, assaulted me while I was driving, humiliated me in front of people, stole my car and made my life hell for years. I allowed all of that chaos in my life because I was in bondage and addicted to having sex with her. Yes, I was. I opened the door to let her dehumanize me because her toxicity temporarily felt good in my veins while she snorted her god into her nostrils. My god became her, and dope and sex were our diseases. One drug fed another.

That's how powerful and addictive sugar is, and we don't even realize it. You'll be surprised by the void sugar fills when you think you're free of many of life's chains. Sugar is an escape, too. It's a gateway drug. It kills us slowly every day, and I don't know why danger and death feel so soothing to us. We become so numb to this reality. I don't even recognize the person that I was that I described in my story of lust, drugs, and destruction. She had a disease, and I had a disease. We were savages with a symbiotic craving for each other's strange sugar. When I ate from that bakery that day, I hadn't had that dosage of sweets in a while, so it felt like an overdose. When you don't love or respect yourself, you check out of reality like the living dead—a life of comatose.

I thank God I woke up. She didn't.

Walter

You're locked in me. I can see you free

I'm here till your last breath

I love you to death

I love you to death

I love you

I love you…

The Chase

-Poet of Pain-

I haven’t seen someone affected by music like this in 27 years. I was the musician who affected them, too.

I was scrolling YouTube and came upon this reaction page. It’s one of those pages where someone from a younger generation or someone who has never heard of a particular song reacts to popular songs.

The young lady Aileen admits she wasn’t even born when many of the songs she’s reacting to were released. The songs that her followers send her are some of the classic songs I experienced in the nineties.

This video that she’s reacting to is Nutshell by Alice in Chains. I’ve seen a lot of Alice in Chains content because I just wrote an article about that band. Alice in Chains was the theme music of my relationship in the nineties. 

She loved music, and so did I, but with Alice in Chains songs, we both had a harmony and symbiosis in listening to them. I wrote this article called Frozen in a Place I Hide based on a song by AIC called Brother. It’s a story that I’ve never covered all of these years. 

It was about when we broke up. It was a pivotal part of my life that changed me. I turned to music later that year, heavily affected by our breakup. I bought a guitar and began to write everything that I was feeling. The songs were sad, intimate, and heartfelt. 

One evening, I had a friend hang out with me and hear some of my music. Her name was Genevieve. I called myself the Ghost Guitarist because I wouldn’t adopt the name Poet of Pain, which would lead to P.o.p. yet. I was about seven years away from that. 

This was the fall of 1996. I have told this story many times in poems and articles. My experience with Genevieve was an MTV Unplugged performance for one audience. Alice in Chains recorded their Unplugged that same year.

 I remember every song and note I played. You can see on Genevieve’s face how my lyrics and sound evoked emotion in her. I’ve never seen a woman who was moved by music before. Even one of my favorite songs, Crystal Ship, by The Doors, moved her. 

Honestly, I had never seen anything like it and haven’t seen anything like it since…until I saw this YouTube video. There was that captivated gaze, those glassy eyes, and the spirit of a musical Empath—like running into an old friend again.

Below is what I left Aileen in her comment section.

Hello Aileen. This video was the perfect introduction for me to your channel. I have been watching a lot of Alice in Chains content lately so I’m happy you washed up on my shore. You sold me immediately so I couldn’t hit subscribe fast enough.

I apologize in advance because I'm a writer and music history buff. I saw previews of your other videos and I'm already excited. I write articles so my comments may be lengthy lol.

I'm also a Gen Xer and I was in my early 20s when most of these bands shifted music. I was there and they changed my musical tastes and my artistry.

Nutshell unplugged was interesting because their most emotional performance was the opener. They could've easily closed with this.
This unplugged was AIC's last epic show and their last great album. It was definitely their swan song as a band. If Nutshell moved you watch Down in Hole unplugged. That song was the pinnacle of the show.

What has been painful for me is watching Layne Staley footage from 91 to 93 and I realized how much healthier he was. He had more light in his eyes. He started to rapidly deteriorate in 1995 to 1996 when this unplugged was filmed he was withering away and the life had left his eyes. This unplugged was his last breath as as a singer. A powerful inhale and then exhale.

The emotion on your face as you watched was almost heartbreaking. I can see that you're an empath song listener. You feel emotion in musical notes and lyrics. 

I did my own unplugged in the same year this was recorded to a audience of one and I haven't seen a reaction to music like yours since then. She had the same look on her face as yours. Every bit of pain I wrote and strummed about was felt by her. It was an empath experience.

Thank you for creating a channel that reminds us how vulnerable and impactful music can be.

P.o.p.

https://youtu.be/l_0RsgKNXVc?si=6h6n7v3sppRMx2d is The actual video that inspired this article.

Harry and Meghan

We’ve all felt that passionate burning of infatuation, but can our embers give us light in the darkest night after the spark and fire die out?

I recently watched the documentary Harry and Meghan. If those two aren’t a modern-day fairy tale, I don’t know what is. I admire and respect them because they fought and stood up against the world and a thousand-year tradition for their love for each other.

Meghan meant more to Harry than a royal title and was willing to stand against all the pressure and scrutiny. They both were worth it to each other. We all saw history trying to repeat itself. We all saw what happened to Princess Diana. Her son Harry said you all took my Mother. You’re not taking my wife. It was time to take a stand.

The right love for you is worth it, isn’t it? They stood united as one through the raging fire of public opinion and critique. When they both made it to the other side, they were stronger and more refined. Their love continued to sparkle and shine. The seeds of life they planted into their marriage manifested into two precious children.

Archie and Lilybet Diana. Love wins because it’s the most powerful thing in this world, and nothing can separate us from it and the love of God. Harry and Meghan represent the true love Diana would’ve experienced if she had lived. She lives with her son, daughter-in-law, and grandkids.

The more experience and wisdom I attain, the more I realize the best things in life are that slow burn. The wishy-washy people will always come first, but that partner is your soulmate, so you had better be ready to stand firm and fight for each other. Love, for me, is separating the temporary sparks from the perpetual fire.

I want our embers to never die 

and experience that Mt. Everest kind of high.

I haven’t had the opportunity to have a love like this, but I’ve seen glimpses. Actually, the potential of that kind of love invaded my life when I had a breakthrough in my writing here at Medium. When I wrote 7  Signs you're Moving On to Embrace The Love of Your Dreams ,  The Nauseous Joy of Getting Butterflies started to take me on an unknown path I’d never been on before.

For most of my life, I eagerly kept the door open for the love of a woman to come in. Unfortunately, my experiences ended with so much disappointment I began to ask myself, is it worth it anymore to put myself through this?

For the first time, I closed the door and locked it. Being alone began to be comfortable and my norm. Life loves to shake things up and present a challenge. I never thought opening up to a woman romantically would be as daring and death-defying as skydiving or bungee jumping.

It’s interesting to be at a point when you’re just okay in your own safe little world. That’s when the one that chooses to be there comes. Meghan Markle was just living and okay in her own skin and existence.

I bet she had no idea destiny would put her on the path to marrying a Prince. He was captivated by her. Did he see his future in her when he saw her face? Did he know she was the one? Think about how many false alarms we get in our lives. These days, high school sweethearts or ones you met in your 20s seem to grow apart. Everyone thinks they’re missing something. Instead of growing apart, wouldn’t it be nice to grow together?

Harry and Meghan were in their mid-thirties when they met, so they are both grown adults who’ve lived some life. It’s beautiful when you can find your soulmate later in life. As long as you are breathing, there’s a chance to feel those butterflies in your stomach.

My butterflies came when I walked one day and thought to myself, I’m worthy of love and someone having adoration for me. Why? There’s so much more to be written in my story. Why am I closing the book on myself?

I deserve exotic trips, a spacious home, my little family, and taking pictures in those silly Christmas pajamas with the kids, the dog, and the cat. I actually had that…but it was just a mirage of the desert, an illusion in my mind when I settle in desolate places, an oasis I find.

In my second article on Medium, I called her a visionary love, one I couldn’t even imagine or fathom. She is a soul that will bring a fruitful and abundant life to this phantom.

Watching Harry and Meghan from the outside has to be the purest love I’ve ever seen. To me, they choose each other every day. Every day, choose to fall in love with your wife or husband. I want a marriage to be like the living waters and we’re both trees next to that river where we constantly get refreshed.

We are grateful and thankful for each other every day because you don’t have to find a relationship that you’re in awe of every day. People become jaded, ungrateful, and bored. If you had a garden that kept producing fruits and vegetables for you to eat, wouldn’t you appreciate it?

You should look at your twin flame-like seeds under the soil in winter when you fight for each other, but your imagination always sees that harvest in each other. If your future seems brighter and hopeful when you think of someone, most likely, they’re the one.

Most people use people as temporary presents to numb the past. Still, my muse is a gift that keeps giving. When I look in those calm waters in my secret place of nature, I see unconditional love in the reflection — God, myself, and her.

One day, we will be sitting by our fire pit on a crisp autumn day or by a campfire on a beach. The embers will be floating up in the sky seamlessly with the stars and the light in your eyes.

I remind you of when we fought for each other. We made it, baby. Let’s keep fighting.